The Pungency Layer - When Your Authenticity Stings... You
Why Your Strongest Self Makes You Cry (Metaphorically & Alone In My Pillow)
The stronger the onion, the more tears it produces. I always thought that meant my authenticity would make other people uncomfortable. That my full potency would sting someone else's eyes.
Turns out, I'm the one crying.
The Question That Stings
Week 35. Thirty-five Thursdays in a row. Thirty-five newsletters. Over forty AI-animated videos. I'm showing up, I'm consistent, I'm unfiltered. And I'm sitting here asking: Why isn't anything sticking?
Bills are paid. Family's fed. We're making it work. But I have this resume that doesn't make sense on paper - two music albums, two published books, 17-year design company, 5.5 years as Chief Design Officer raising $4M for a Web3 startup - and I'm looking at low engagement numbers thinking, "By now, shouldn't something have broken through?"
That question? That's pungency. The kind that cuts through your own bullshit.
Because here's what I'm realizing in this void I'm in right now: I might be my own biggest obstacle. Not because I'm dimming myself for others. Because I keep abandoning myself before the harvest comes.
The Pattern I Keep Running
I did a Spanish album in 2002. I was big in Panama for 15 minutes - that deserves a whole Rebel Onion story. But in the end nothing happened. I didn't sell my soul. English album in 2011. People hear it, say "Wow, you wrote that?" And then... nothing. They move on. Maybe I move on.
The tech company? Five and a half years. Built it, raised money, tried everything we could with experienced people and advisors. Dissolved. Had to call investors personally - a close friend, a family and their son who believed in our project - and tell them their large investment was gone. Hard conversations. The only way out is through, so I went in sincere and honest. It pained me to talk through it, and for the most part they weren't happy, but they understood.
Music didn't pop. Tech company didn't stick. And now I'm 35 weeks into The Rebel Onion wondering if this matters either.
You see the pattern?
I switch games before I finish the one I'm playing.
What Actually Sticks
Except for two things. Two things that keep showing up no matter what: Nitram Design and The Rebel Onion.
Design has been there for seventeen years. Through family business years, solo years, startup years, back to solo. Even when I wasn't trying, bigger clients appeared. Even when I left my family company, a watch client showed up with enough work to make the leap. Even through the tech company grind, design kept providing.
And The Rebel Onion? This is the most consistent creative thing I've ever done, for myself, outside my clients. Thirty-five weeks. No missed Thursdays. Low numbers, sure. But I'm still here.
These are the things that don't ask for permission. These are the things that keep choosing me, even when I doubt them.
So why do I keep looking for validation somewhere else?
Pungency vs. Palatability
I see how the game is played. I see what gets engagement. I could chase the trending topics, play the algorithm, be the dancing monkey doing what others want. Netflix has screenwriters dumbing down plots because they know we're all on our phones, distracted, not really watching. Now even brilliant writers can't get funded for smart twists or life surprises - everything has to be repeated three times so you don't miss it while scrolling social media.
That's not pungency. That's performing, not being real.
Real pungency is staying in the game long enough to see what you're actually building, not what the audience wants you to build.
The music albums? They were beautiful. Meaningful. But was I trying to build a career, get paid to write songs (which I loved), or was I just expressing something that needed to come out? If it was the latter, then it worked. It's in the world. It's done. (You can hear it on my YouTube channel if you're curious.)
The tech company? Hard lessons. Deep experience. Dissolution conversations that required full integrity. That worked too - just not the way I wanted.
The Rebel Onion? This is different. This is me choosing myself every Thursday. Peeling layers in real time. Not waiting for permission.
This is the one I haven't abandoned... yet.
What If Sticking Means Something Different?
What if "sticking" doesn't mean viral success or mass engagement? What if it means you keep showing up even when it doesn't make sense?
Design has stuck for seventeen years - not because it always feels good, but because I keep returning to it. And I'm good at it. People see that. The Rebel Onion is sticking right now - not because thousands are reading, but because every Thursday I'm here.
The Void Isn't Empty
I've read enough autobiographies to know this is the rite of passage. The part where you're in the dark. Where you have all the skills, all the experience, all the consistency... and you still don't know what's next.
This is the void. And the void isn't empty. It's pungent.
It forces you to smell your own patterns. Your own self-abandonment. Your own impatience with the process.
I'm forty-eight. I have more skills than most people I know. And I'm in the void, asking what's next.
And I'm not running from it this time.
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." — Friedrich Nietzsche
The Real Assessment
So here's the real pungency assessment for Week 35: Where are you abandoning yourself before the harvest comes?
For me, it's design and The Rebel Onion. The two things I keep returning to. The two things that don't need external validation to exist.
Maybe that's the answer. Maybe that's what sticks. Not because it's easy. Not because it's validated.
Because it's mine.
Week 35. Still in the void. Still uncertain. Still working, still paying bills. Still showing up every Thursday.
That's pungency. Not the kind that stings others. The kind that stings you into staying present with what's actually yours to build.
Let go. Let God. Let it unfold.
But don't abandon it before the harvest.
Where are you abandoning yourself before the harvest comes? What keeps showing up for you, even when you doubt it? What are you calling "not working" that's actually just... not done yet?
The "Being Coached" Layer: Bloom Where You Are Planted
Dr. Goodman says: A man who worked for me years ago, an avid fisherman, taught me a universal law of the water—you never leave fish to go looking for fish. When the fish are biting, you stay. You don't abandon a live spot to go searching for something else. This requires you to believe in your talents and, more importantly, to tell your doubt to shut the hell up. Doubt is the true enemy; it is the only thing that dilutes your potency and keeps you from the harvest.
The other side of this law is learning to stay where God plants you. When you and I first started working together, I was trying to coach anything and everything except Chiropractic. I was looking for fish elsewhere. But where am I now? I’m back to coaching practices and doctors because I finally listened to where I was planted. Today, tools like AI allow us to crush time and diminish expenses in the quest for profitability, letting us finish the work for today—but the mission isn't over. Stay in the game, trust your spot, and stop looking for the "next" thing when what you need is already biting.
Bookshelf Peeled - The Courage to Be Unfinished
In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown argues that "Wholehearted living" isn't a destination we reach once we’ve perfected our resume; it’s a process of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be so we can embrace who we actually are. This hits the core of the Week 35 "Pungency Layer." You’re staring at a resume that doesn’t "make sense" on paper—the music, the tech startup, the design firm—and feeling the sting of low engagement. Brown’s lesson is that the "shame" we feel when we aren't "breaking through" is actually just a defense mechanism against being vulnerable and seen in our most authentic, unpolished state.
The strong lesson is her definition of Resilience. She suggests that we often abandon our projects—or ourselves—because we are afraid of the "void" where we don't yet have the answers or the validation. The "sting" you're feeling isn't a sign of failure; it’s the discomfort of finally staying in the game without a mask. By refusing to "switch games" and staying with The Rebel Onion and your design work, you are practicing what Brown calls "Cultivating Meaningful Work"—choosing the path that aligns with your soul rather than the one that guarantees a viral hit.
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
By Brené Brown Ph.D L.M.S.W.
Design Rebel: Architect of the Void
This week’s piece is inspired by the "Void" from Stranger Things, where Eleven stands in pure darkness. Since I spent this week reflecting on my music and songwriting history, it was only fitting to create a music video. The Void represents the unknown, depression, and sadness, but in the video, he morphs in and out of a beautiful tropical beach and ocean—representing the breakthrough, happiness, and what lies beyond.
I went with Reggae vibes because I love the energy. I co-wrote the chorus and provided the core ideas, then collaborated with Songer to bring the full track to life. The visuals and cinematics were generated using Leonardo.ai and Veo 3.1, with final production and editing handled in Wondershare Filmora. Enjoy the unpeeling. You want to hear the full song and video I made too go here.
Week 35 - From the Dark Void to Tropical Soul 🧅🎸
Weekly Inspired Insights I liked or found useful this week:
Michael Meade reminds me of Joseph Campbell. Screenshot from his YouTube - perfectly captures this week: "When we refuse to be channels for what wants to come through us, the gold in us can turn to lead inside rather than gold. And the world becomes a diminished place." - Michael Meade
P.S. If this resonates with you, share it with someone. I'm dedicated to helping fellow explorers—or anyone who found this page—uncover their authentic self with humor and insight. We're all in this together, finding the courage to truly live from our core essence (or as close as we can get!).
The Variety Layer: Different Types, Same Essence
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