The Cross-Section Layer - The Permission You've Been Waiting For (And Why You Never Needed It)
The Horizontal Cut
Cut an onion horizontally and suddenly the entire pattern becomes visible. All the rings. All the layers. The structure you couldn't see while you were peeling vertically, one layer at a time.
33 weeks of peeling. And I just saw the pattern.
It's been the same question the entire time, just wearing different clothes:
"Have I done enough yet to deserve the envelope?"
The Mafia Boss Dynamic
I need to tell you about how my family company worked.
My father ran it like a mafia boss. And I don't mean that as an insult—I mean it literally in how the reward system functioned.
You did your job. You showed up. You worked hard.
And if he noticed? If he felt like it? He'd come by and slip you an envelope.
$200 on a good week. $5K at Christmas if the year went well. Sometimes cash as an apology when he knew he'd pushed you too hard or acted irrationally.
You got a salary—weekly or bi-weekly—but it was way below market rate. Family company. Tax reasons. Whatever the justification was.
The real compensation? The envelopes.
There was no transparent system. No, "you did X, so you earn Y." Your BASE was low, and your actual worth was determined by the envelope slips—$200 here, $1K there—whenever he felt generous or guilty.
That was one of the many reasons I left, but this was a big factor. I realized: In this model, I was never growing up. None of us were. My sister's still in that same formula.
The formula was: Perform. Wait. Maybe get rewarded.
And the reward depended entirely on his mood, his business week, his guilt, his whim.
Your worth wasn't tied to your work. It was tied to someone else's decision to validate you.
When I came back to work there after years away, I negotiated hard. I pushed for what I was worth in the market.
He fought me on every dollar. I finally got what I asked for, but even that felt like I was ASKING for permission rather than STATING my value. And even the amount I was asking for was lower than the standard for that position.
And here's what I learned from that dynamic: My worth isn't something I decide. It's something someone else grants me.
The Stuck Frame
In NET (neuro-emotional technique), there's a concept called the NEC—the neuro-emotional complex. It's the moment where an emotional pattern gets locked into your nervous system. The stuck frame that keeps replaying.
Mine?
Age: Probably early teens, working in the family business.
The scene: Working hard. Doing everything right. Waiting for my father to notice. Waiting for validation that never came on a predictable schedule.
The belief that locked in: Your value is determined by someone else's approval. Perform well enough, and MAYBE you'll get the envelope.
The pattern: Wait for permission. Wait for validation. Wait for someone to tell you you're worthy.
The 33-Week Mirror
I thought I was writing about onion layers. Peeling back patterns. Unlearning limiting beliefs.
But when I cut through all 33 weeks horizontally, here's what I see:
Every single week: A different version of the same question—Have I done enough yet?
Not "Am I doing the right thing?"
But "Have I PERFORMED well enough to deserve the reward?"
I've been grinding. Reading 100+ books. Listening to business podcasts, spiritual teachers, anyone who might give me the ONE insight that unlocks the formula.
But I'm not looking for information.
I'm looking for permission.
Permission to charge what I'm worth.
Permission to own the whole vision.
Permission to believe what I'm doing is enough.
Permission to stop waiting for someone else to slip me the envelope.
The Tech Company Repeat
Five years in a tech company. I stayed in my creative lane. Marketing. Design. The art guy.
Others handled Wall Street. Others handled the Web3 strategy. Others figured out the money.
And I waited.
Prayed. Worked. Believed their clarity would eventually become mine.
Same pattern: Perform your part. Wait for someone else to figure out the money. Maybe you'll get rewarded.
The result: Five years. Still grinding side design work. Still waiting for the "give."
Because I gave them the AGENCY. I waited for THEIR validation of my worth.
Just like I learned in the family business.
The Worthiness Trap
I charge higher than market value now. But I still question: "Am I doing this right?"
My newsletter metrics are small. My platforms aren't blowing up.
And I keep asking: "When will it give?"
But here's what that question really means:
"When will the external world validate that I've performed well enough to deserve success?"
I'm STILL waiting for the envelope.
The breakthrough. The viral moment. The client who says "you're worth it." The metrics that prove I didn't waste 33 weeks.
The cross-section reveals: I never gave MYSELF permission to decide my worth. I'm still waiting for someone else to grant it.
The Formula Trap
My mind wants a formula. And that IS the trauma response.
Because in the family business, there WAS a formula:
Work hard → Dad notices → Maybe Dad feels generous → Envelope slip
It wasn't random. It followed a pattern. I just had to figure out the RIGHT moves to trigger it.
So now?
I read many books and audiobooks looking for the formula.
I listen to podcasts, trying to find the ONE insight that unlocks the permission.
I keep peeling layers, thinking: "If I just go deep enough, THEN I'll have earned the right to own my worth."
But that's still performing for the envelope.
The Cross-Section Revelation
Here's what the horizontal cut reveals:
Agency + Worthiness + Permission = Money
But it's not about money.
It's about: Do I have permission to decide my own worth without waiting for someone else to validate it?
The pattern I learned: Your value is in someone else's hands. Perform. Wait. Hope.
The pattern I've been repeating: Perform (write, design, create). Wait (for metrics, breakthrough, validation). Hope (one more book will give me the answer).
The pattern that needs to break: Stop waiting for someone to slip you the envelope. YOU set the price. YOU own the agency. YOU decide when you're worthy.
What Changes Today
If I gave myself permission right now—not after the breakthrough, not after the metrics prove it, not after one more book unlocks the formula—what would change?
I'd stop asking "Am I doing this right?" and start stating "This IS right."
I'd stop waiting for clients to validate my rates and start charging what I decide I'm worth. Period.
I'd stop looking for external signs (metrics, viral moments, envelope slips) and start trusting the path I'm already on.
I'd stop performing for validation and start DECIDING my value.
The decision: I don't need to dig deeper to find the exact moment the pattern locked in. I already know the pattern.
Mafia boss dad. Envelope slips. Waiting for permission.
That was the model I learned, and it still affects me today (maybe because we still get an envelope for Christmas)—it still shows up in how I question my worth, how I wait for validation, and how I look for formulas instead of just deciding.
But I can just decide to break it. Now.
This Week's Peel
Cut an onion horizontally and the whole pattern becomes visible.
33 weeks of peeling, and here's what I see:
I've been waiting for permission to own my worth.
Performing. Grinding. Hoping someone would validate I earned it.
But worthiness doesn't come from someone else's approval.
It comes from the decision to stop waiting.
YOU set the price.
YOU own the agency.
YOU decide when you're worthy.
Not when the metrics say so. Not when the breakthrough comes. Not when someone slips you the envelope.
Now.
This week, notice: What are you waiting for permission to do? What envelope are you hoping someone will slip you? And what would change if you gave yourself permission today—without needing external validation to prove you earned it?
The "Being Coached" Layer: The Nepotism Trap and the Certainty of "No"
Dr. Goodman didn’t put me on "Book Restriction" because I lacked knowledge; he did it because I was using learning as a stall tactic to avoid deciding. He stripped away the noise to expose the core mistake: the belief that the family business provided an advantage. In reality, that "advantage" was a curse because it made my value unquantifiable. As long as your worth is tied to family, it stays tethered to the "Envelope Dynamic"—dependent on someone else's whim rather than market reality.
The core takeaway from the session: The Law of Attraction only activates when you make a firm decision about your own value and back it up with a willingness to walk away. When a prospect balks at your price, you must let them go without a second thought. It is only through that absolute certainty—the willingness to bear the discomfort of being "too expensive" for the wrong people—that the right client appears. The "Amex Black" client doesn't question the rate because they are responding to your intrinsic certainty, not your father's validation. Every "should-have/could-have" moment of the last 33 weeks was simply the necessary friction required to burn off the need for permission and finally own your worth.
Bookshelf Peeled - The Price of Freedom is Other People's Displeasure
In Adlerian psychology, there is no such thing as "unquantifiable value" given by a benefactor—there is only the Separation of Tasks. In The Courage to Be Disliked, the philosopher argues that your value is your task, and how others (including your father or the market) respond to that value is their task. By waiting for the "envelope," you were essentially intruding on your father’s task, making your happiness and worth dependent on his choice. This week's cross-section reveals that the "Mafia Boss" dynamic wasn't just a family quirk; it was a voluntary bondage where you traded your agency for the hope of a reward that you didn't have to claim for yourself.
The book’s most piercing insight for this layer is that "freedom is being disliked by others." To move from a low-base salary with "envelope" potential to a high-market rate requires the courage to be rejected by those who still see you in the old skin. Adlerian theory suggests that as long as you seek validation, you are living someone else’s life. To break the cycle, you must stop being a "good person" in the eyes of the person holding the envelope and start being a "competent person" in the eyes of the market. The moment you decide your worth, you aren't just changing a price tag; you are ending the lifelong performance for an audience of one.
The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness
By Ichiro Kishimi (I know 2 weeks in a row, but It's that good)
Design Rebel: The Price of Permission
Inspired this week by The Godfather and the mafia dynamic in family businesses. Images and videos created with Leonardo.ai, Veo 3.1, and ElevenLabs; edited in Wondershare Filmora. Script by me, refined by Gemini.
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P.S. If this resonates with you, share it with someone. I'm dedicated to helping fellow explorers—or anyone who found this page—uncover their authentic self with humor and insight. We're all in this together, finding the courage to truly live from our core essence (or as close as we can get!).
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